Life Before 'I Do' 1

After discussing with the second person from the people patiently waiting for him, Mr. Steve had to pick an incessant call that has kept his cell phone blaring for a long time as it was becoming embarrassing to ignore. While trying so hard to keep cool, he picked the call. ‘Hello honey, hope you had a blessed day?’ The sudden change of countenance and look on his face suggested that the person at the other end was not as friendly as Mr. Steve was. He tried severally to speak but obviously his caller could not give him that space.

With looks of frustration written all over him, Mr. Steve shouted on top of his voice not recognizing the presence of people eagerly waiting for him. ‘My friend, will you stop that nonsense and listen to me! How many times will I have to explain to you that I must have to be a helping hand to people at this period of the day? What exactly do you want from me? Do you want to ruin me?’ With the questions, he stood up in full force shouting in anger as if to attack the caller and he looked at the phone which suggested that the caller must have hanged up on him. Mr. Steve immediately realized where he was and the scene the telephone conversation created. The people waiting for him approached him immediately and started asking him if everything was alright. Mr. Steve just waved a hand of assurance that all was well and gently sat down on a sit close to him with his head bowed down.
The people in his office started leaving one after the other until few people were left. Mr. Steve raised his obvious sad and frustrated face and said, ‘Please I’m very sorry. I’m in a very terrible mood that I can’t attend to you today. Can we please continue tomorrow?’ One of the few people left said, ‘Mr. Steve, but you have been postponing our meeting in this same manner for over one week now, hope all is well or should I look for someone else?’ Mr. Steve replied, ‘I’m very sorry my brother, I have a personal issue to sort out. I promise it will not be the same tomorrow’. ‘But that was exactly what you told us yesterday’ replied another furious young man. With that, they left Mr. Steve’s office. Mr. Steve was in a very pensive mood, so lost in thought that he did not notice when Tracy walked in. Her peck on his forehead brought him back to life and he jumped to his feet shouting on top of his voice, ‘Don’t you dare come closer to me again. Whatever we have been doing together or planning to do in the future has just been terminated this very moment. I can never go on in this bondage you call relationship. I am sick, tired and fed up with your excesses. I can never go on with you if you cannot understand my purpose on earth. Tracy, it’s over between us’. Tracy started sobbing, ‘is this how you want to disappoint me? Is this how you want to destroy the future we planned building together? Steve, can’t you understand that I love you? Can’t you view it from the angle that I do this for the love I have for you? Steve, maybe you should drop this humanity and counseling nonsense because I can’t bear to see you talk to a lady for such a long time in the name of counseling?’ Steve cut her shut shouting on top of his voice, ‘And that is more reason why we can never be together because that is my passion. Counseling and work of humanity gives me joy. It is the reason why I’m here on earth. Why can’t you understand it? Can’t you see that you’re beginning to drive me crazy? My life turned to a pile of stress since you came into my life. Oh God, what have I let myself into’.

The above fiction is an example of what people go through every now and then, especially in Christendom. It is what you get when you get entangled in courtship unprepared. Fasten your sit belt as we go on a cruise to steps to courtship. I wish you a happy ride!

Courtship is a relationship between a man and a woman in which they seek to determine if it is God’s will for them to marry each other. Under the protection, guidance, and blessing of parents or mentors, the couple concentrates on developing a deep friendship that could lead to marriage, as they discern their readiness for marriage and God’s timing for their marriage.

Usually, questions like, is courtship a guarantee for happy marriage comes up and my answer to the question is NO. Courtship is just a period of learning and a time set aside for a bachelor and spinster intending to get married to know each other better. It’s not the time to recreate people, like some people always say, ‘he steals but I must change him. She lies but she must change because of me.’ Someone can only help a willing heart to change by God’s grace. When you buy a bottle of coke, the content you see is what you get. There’s nothing like ‘it’s too watery; let me heat it to make it thicker’. So, whenever you are going into any relationship with the mindset of changing someone, someone is bound to be hurt, either you or the person involved. Other questions that come up when it comes to courtship are; when is the right time? Who is the right person and how do I choose the right person.

STEPS TO COURTSHIP

NB: {The pronoun ‘HE’ represents both gender in this write up}

1.    PERSONAL EXAMINATION

Before you embark on courtship, you need to examine yourself spiritually, emotionally, socially, financially and otherwise. Personal examination is very important before courtship because it enables the person involved to know exactly who he is. For a period of courtship to be successful, you must be sure of your spiritual stance. You must strive to be emotionally intelligent. You must make sure that your Purpose is well defined.

a.    Spiritual Life: Before someone should embark on courtship, he must be able to examine himself spiritually. He must be able define himself spiritually and he must be able to answer the following questions;

What is my personal relationship with God?

What is my religion?

What Church do I really belong to?

Am I ready to change church because of my future spouse?

If your answers to the above questions are not certain, there is need for a reflection on your life to agree totally on how you want your spiritual life to be to avoid conflicts in the nearest future.

b.    Emotional Intelligence: Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, understand, manage and use emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict. When you are highly emotionally intelligent, you will be able to discern and understand your own emotional state and that of others around you, and relate with them in a way that draws them to you.You can use this understanding of emotions to relate better to other people, form healthier relationships, achieve greater success at work, and lead a more fulfilling life. Emotional intelligence can be built when you work and concentrate on;

·         Self-awareness – Recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior, know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.

·        Self-management – Always bear in mind that when you appear angry, people will immediately get defensive and you won’t solve anything. When you are angry with someone, take a few minutes to calm down and think about what you need to say. If you go into a situation with a calm attitude you are more likely to get to the bottom of the problem and come up with a reasonable compromise. Therefore, to manage yourself effectively means to be able to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways. My therapy is DO NOT TALK OR ACT WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY!

·        Relationship management – You should always be ready to make sacrifices, inspire and influence others, and manage conflicts.

However, worthy of note is also the knowledge of Temperament. Without knowledge of temperaments, you are likely to always misunderstand the person next to you and treat him wrongly. There are four types of temperaments- Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic. Each of the temperaments has its unique features, strengths and weaknesses. Before you approach anyone or accept to go into relationship that is likely to end up in marriage, you must first of all be able to identify your temperament. By so doing, you will be able to identify your strengths and weaknesses and also make room for adjustments. When you have a good  knowledge of temperament, you will be able to know why you act the way you do and why you are likely to get a different reaction on certain issues from someone next to you. So, there is every need for you to have a good knowledge of temperament so that you can understand yourself and easily understand why people act the way they do.

c.   Purpose. This is another important area that self-examination and check has to be thoroughly done and ladies tend to have issues when it comes to purpose. I was moved to ask a particular question in one of the youths’ program I was a guest speaker. I got so disturbed and troubled by the answers I got from single ladies at the program. I asked them the question, what is your vision? And I got answers like; 1. To settle down in marriage. 2. To get married and bear children. When the answers continue coming in that manner, I stopped the question and rolled up my sleeve for a tedious job. Ladies, getting married and bearing children are two basic things every man and woman that has marriage in mind has to do someday but it cannot be seen as a vision. When God created you, there’s a peculiar assignment he entrusted in your care to deliver in the world and only you can do it. Marriage/husband/wife/children/family ought not to be a barrier to that uncommon assignment and that is why you need to define it before you get engaged with anybody so that you can spell it out beforehand. The most interesting part of this life of purpose that I am talking about is that your success is tied to it, your wealth is tied to it, and your greatness is tied to it. So, if you miss it, then you are in for a very big trouble for life. Ladies please, strive not to be a liability to any man in the name of marriage. Strive to be an asset to your husband. A man should be blessed because he married you. Therefore, prayerfully discover yourself , define your purpose and start working on it so that whoever you are going into courtship with will know and understand your purpose in life EARLY enough to avoid conflict in the nearest future. When purpose is defined before courtship, it is respected both in the courtship and marriage as well because it will neither sound strange nor new when the relationship is finally established.

If you believe that Step 1 (Personal Examination) is worth your time and attention, keep a date with me tomorrow same time, same venue for another interesting and important step to courtship. It’s wonderful having you in my world.