Tips on How to Handle Sibling Rivalry…

As a parent, I do not know how many times you’ve woken up in the middle of the night to ponder on the rivalry that exists among your children. As a parent, have you been so much troubled about an obvious feeling of hatred that seems to exist between two particular children of yours? If yes, do well to read this article.

Sibling rivalry is as old as family itself. Joseph the son of Jacob in the Bible suffered a great deal of sibling rivalry. No matter how strong the relationship among siblings seems, there’s bound to be rivalry too, the extent is what proves to be a problem. Any family that has more than a child must be ready to handle the tantrums that come out of sibling rivalry. While parents can’t stop sibling rivalry entirely, its occurrence can be minimized. At this juncture one may ask, what exactly is this sibling rivalry?

Sibling rivalry is simply the jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters. It’s usually demonstrated by siblings of the same sex and age group. It can be very dangerous when not minimized and children grow with it.

So what could be the cause(s) of this sibling rivalry? Why would a child perceive another as a rival?

1.  Parental Favoritism: Some parents tend to give more attention to a particular child, this child is more favored than others before their parents, he receives special treatments and his punishment tends to be obviously very mild compared to others. Most parents do not even realize when they are doing this. A very good example of parental favoritism leading to such rivalry is found in the Bible, fraternal twin brothers Jacob and Esau. Their father, Isaac, enjoyed wild game and preferred Esau, who was a skillful hunter. Their mother, Rebecca, loved Jacob more because he was Mama’s boy, who enjoyed staying very close to his mother. When Rebecca learned that Isaac was going to bestow his blessing on Esau, she made Jacob receive the blessing meant for Esau. When Esau heard what happened, he wanted to kill Jacob and Jacob fled to safety. Ordinarily, Jacob wouldn’t have minded if the father bestowed his blessing on Esau but Isaac and Rebecca created the rivalry and strife experienced by their sons. When Jacob became a father, he repeated the same mistake his parents made. He openly showed favoritism to Joseph, his 11th son but the firstborn of Rachel, his favorite wife. When Jacob gave Joseph a special gift of coat of many colors, his brothers resented their father's partiality and consequently hated Joseph. It’s no longer news that some parents still fall prey to this. Parents, be careful on how you handle your children so that you won’t end up being the source of their problems. Do not create problems for them.
2.  Arrival of a new baby could also cause rivalry. Some parents form the habit of abandoning the existing children when a new one arrives. Yes the new one needs attention and care more than anyone but focusing your whole attention and care on the new baby alone, can create a problem of sibling rivalry.
3. When parents do not create time to share regular, enjoyable family time and discuss family values together.
4.  Each child is competing to define who they are as an individual.  As they discover who they are, they try to find their own talents, activities, and interests.  They want to show that they are better than the others.
5.  When parents openly compare their children’s performance and capitalize on a child’s weakness while praising the other.

Now the big question is, “how do we handle this threatening rivalry among our children?”

1. Do away with favoritism. Please be fair in settling misunderstanding among them.
2. When a new baby arrives, try as much as possible to give the existing children attention, no matter how little. It will go a long way to help.
3. Create family activities that are fun for everyone.  When children have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict.  They tend to easily work it out within themselves when they share warm and good memories together.
4.  Show great interest in all your children’s individual talents and successes. Encourage them to be whom and what God created them to be. Let each child know they are special in their own way and avoid comparing them.
5. Groom your children to cooperate rather than compete. Inculcate the culture and habit of unity in them.
6. When you are alone with each child, you may want to ask them once in a while the positive things their brother or sister does that they really like and the negative ones they do not like. This will help you to keep tabs on their relationships.
7. Start very early to teach them the dangers of rivalry and jealousy. Back your teachings up with similar stories from the Bible. Do well to teach them about interpersonal relationship so that they can learn early enough on how to relate with one another.
8. Finally and most importantly, pray for them so that God will endow them with the grace to tolerate one another and to relate very well.

Do not be scared when you notice the rivalry among them but be very scared when you’re not doing the right thing to minimize it.

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